May « 2010 « Dominique's Weblog

Pain

May 22, 2010

I’m not gonna lie. I have been hurting a lot in the past year…I have endured a lot. So much was new to me..You know the saying “You learn from your mistakes”…Well I guess you can say that is my motto for my LIFE. I never thought I would fall SO hard for someone after it being a year… I KNOW!! But you would not believe everything leading up to it that has made me grow to like someone soooo much. Like you know that feeling that the only person you want to talk and be with most of your day, is him. It’s so weird because it never was official. It never made sense to me. I just went at it thinking we could bring it back to what it was. But no. Let me define what an open relationship is to you, because I was in one. for about.. I’d say 5 or so months. I’m not exaggerating. I am not lying. The things you do in this are exactly something you would do if you were in a REAL one. But the only catch is…Its not official. Each has every right to date anyone else, flirt with anyone else, and do anyone else. And I can PROUDLY say, I will and NEVER will be a part of that again. I never open up to people, I have NEVER been so close and intimate to someone till this past year.. to the wrong person. because our intentions were COMPLETE opposite. I was passionate, eager to wait, and wait for him to make up his mind. and willing to take chances on becoming one after EVERYTHING. lets just say, I sacrificed a LOT. to be with another. I am not gonna lie, It is REALLY REALLY hard to do this when this relationship is OPEN. I never ever wanted to it to be this. I would threaten to stop what I was doing, stop being with him to prove my point. But something always lingered and got me.

Have you ever met a person that has been so unfaithfully committed and not to mention untrue to your own self?

Have you ever thought you could CHANGE someone and be that ONE person to change their life around?

Well, I thought I could be that. I wanted to be that superwoman to endure pain, get over it, forgive & forget, and love every minute of it. I wanted a real true relationship–to be intimate in, funny, cute, open with, and to care. and to fucking care. …and to fucking care….hmm that word ‘care’ … I would care so much that I said I would wait for you to figure out what you wanted to do. I would care so much to be there for you when you did not have a place to stay. I would care you so much to listen to you complain about anything going on in your terrible life…..People ask me “why do you put yourself through ESPECIALLY after what he has done??” My response is in denial at first, but when I really think about it…. It’s because I can say that I always doubted my self when it came to boyfriends. My first one was this. There has never been a guy out of there to come to me to be my boyfriend. I take it to heart. He was the first… To notice me for something more than a friend. And it means so much. To be with someone and to be loved, is truly the best feeling in the world.. The benefits are amazing.. But I feel as if I was faking it this the whole time. All this leads up to mid March when I feel as if I have no more energy to waste on someone…so I stop. I stop everything. I stop talking,caring,inviting over, for him. And then, he actually is talking to someone else and gets a girlfriend…..

To this point, I am full of rage, and anger. I am speechless because that is what I have TRYING TO BE FOR MONTHS. Either he was using me for the WRONG reasons or was scared to be with me…again. Either way, it hurts times infinity. To finally say, I cannot do it anymore. The fact that someone does that to ANYONE, it’s not even worth talking to anymore. Ever. …(Or for a long time till you get over it.)

Mid March till about May, his existence was not present in my life. Delete the number, the facebook and the picture in my mind. Yes, I cried almost every other day. I could not deal with in my mind to know he is doing everything he did with me… with her. Wishing everyday, that one time in the middle of the night, I would get woken up by an urgent phone call saying “I can’t do it. I broke it up with her because I miss you so much.”…As he is standing outside your door. OH HOW I wished for that everyday…So much for wishful thinking. This my problem. I get really sad. Yes, I cry. I lived each day based on how it was with him. And I make my self fall asleep to things like this. I fall asleep to moments I did spend when I was so happy. And then when I wake up, its back to reality that I will not talk to him the next day. I found other things to keep me busy, I was more involved in my sorority and I kept myself company with others..distractions…I would listen to 5 songs on repeat that made me happy. …Which should be like that everytime. And then I started to realize my life, and What I was missing out. I can say I was REALLY happy…But of course, always that one part of me that missed him.

To get through, is a lot of emotional pain. Not gonna lie. With the little help from my friends, sisters, family, I really truly can do it. One day at a time…Now as a month passes, it’s to the point that he is almost not there. Until, after a month of not talking, I receive a text message saying that he wants to be friends again. I am full of anger because I know his reason is NOT the reason of mine. But as a girl as emotional as I am, I give in after a week of off and on talking…He tells me..”Well you cut me out of your life so I moved on to another girl” And I feel like I had that one chance again…(and super upset that he did not tell me this but a part of me did not believe him..)….and then by my mistake, I still have those type of feelings. those feelings. -like. I want to kiss you instead a friendly hug feelings…not right..right? I get more upset because he doesn’t text me that one night. One thing my best friend said that I did not go by is …“don’t expect anything now that you are accepting him as a friend” …she was right. Because I expected everything. …and did not get anything. From this point, I dont think it will ever be the same. Either he screwed up, or I really really screwed up.

I can partially blame myself. I can blame the fact that I gave in because I am completely lonely. I gave in because I missed him. But this whole time not talking to him, I was happy. I found out more about me. And what I want. But I wanted to share it with someone. Even if I have to force upon. Or make them realize, I am right for them. That’s all I wanted. All I asked. Too simple.

And unfortunately, now I can say my first experience in a relationship, was..not..really…something I want to go through again. I got emotional. I cried. I was happy. I was sad. I was content. It was all over the place!…I still think about it now and then. When life sucks, its so vivid. Its ridiculous. I just cannot believe a human being could do that…to someone who has no..idea..or deserve this. Idk…I was the one to look over .ALL. the flaws he had. I am the one to cling on and never forget him or always have that “hope”. i am not sure if I want it anymore…though I feel so incredibly lonely at times. But I think time is so precious sometimes…especially in times like this…All I want is a redemption..or an apology?, maybe in a year or 2. I want to be civil. But everytime I am around him, I get sad and brought up the memories I once went through. It’s sad but true.But its normal. I see other people go through break ups like candy after like being together for such a long time… and it is really hard for me to understand that and why… It breaks my heart to see that…It really does! its like.. so much time spent on one person you think will be.. but all relationships come to an end right? Unless,you are looking for marriage or that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But other than that, are you bound to break up? It sucks :’(…but a learning experience <3

I hope one day, I will fully be able to move on. And be like incredibly happy. But I am not going to lie to anyone and myself and say its the best. This takes time to heal. Anyways, Drum Corp will really help do the trick :) :D